if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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