Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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