I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
