So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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