I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
