My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
