We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
