cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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