been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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