He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
