So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
being pregnant is like rehab
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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