it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
a search helicopter?!
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
