If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My legs feel like baby dolphins
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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