u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
