I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
