Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Four minutes until I can fart!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
