why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
