Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Randomize
