I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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