We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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