I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
