meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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