Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
