just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I need to calm my uterus...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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