she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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