Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
We need to rekindle our bromance
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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