how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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