tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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