elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Randomize
