I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Sober January is a disaster.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
