Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
