I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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