is your mom at the bar?
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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