Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
