you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Damn victory sex feels great
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
