you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
