well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
