there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
