Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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