At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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