And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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