yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
