He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
