I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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