I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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