i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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