i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
