chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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