A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
