I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
