conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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